The State of Your Independence (repost)

Happy  4th of July, SWARM Readers!

Independence is being able to make your own decisions to have control over your life.

     As we celebrate the holiday of Independence, tell me this, what is the state of your independence?  Are you as independent as you would like to be?

      If you are like most single moms, your finances and your independence are closely woven together. Money is what allows us to do what we want to do. It gains us control over our lives and especially over our future.  The more money you have for your needs, the more money you have for your wants.  One way to gain control right this very moment is to stop and examine how you spend your money.  Who and what is getting your your hard earned cash?

     In the previous post, we learned that in the year 2012,  the wage gap between men and women is still raging on.  We shared an example of how this gap steals financial opportunities from women, and that the money lost, affects our day to day spendings, as well as our potential for a healthy financial future.  We learned that the gap of 25% amounts to a loss of $100,000 over a ten year period for a woman who makes 15.00/hr compared to a man employed in the same position (similar education and experience) who makes 20.00/hr.

     Now that you know you are not on a level playing field you must begin to make financial decisions that will help you hold on to more of your earnings.  Not only will your finances improve, but your independence will grow and your children can be witnesses to the process of money making decisions that will help improve their quality of life.

     

    Hardly a day goes by that a single mom doesn't encounter a situation where she needs to make a decision that will affect her finances.  There are times in her life that, if she only had a little more knowledge on a specific subject, she would have been able to make a better financial decision. Sometimes it's that additional information that can help prevent overspending, resulting in enough of a savings to purchase a tank of gas, pay a utility bill, buy some groceries, or put into a savings account.

Consider this story: 

     I went to have my car's oil changed at a repair shop that performs both my regular maintenance and emergency repairs. After the oil was changed and the liquids replenished, I was told that I would also need an air filter.  The mechanic explained that they used to change the air filter as part of the oil change, but with the price of oil so high, it is a procedure all its own.   I asked him how much it would cost.  He replied, '$17.00 for the part and $45.00 for the labor' (this was based on the half hour rate).  I asked if the change was something that absolutely must be done now or could it wait?   With a concerned look on his face, he answered that he would have it done 'as soon as possible'.

     I am not a mechanic. I am a mother on a budget. A mother with a child who rides in my car (I'm thinking safety here),  so... on the ride home, (after declining the service), I stopped by an auto parts store.  I went in and asked the clerk for the price of an air filter ($17.00). I questioned whether replacing the filter would be something I could do myself.  He asked why I wanted to know.   I explained I had just come from the auto repair shop where the mechanic said I needed the filter. I did not have the extra $45.00 (labor fee) it would take to have the service performed. The clerk at the auto parts store became obviously annoyed.  He asked me to follow him.  'Where is your car?'  I pointed to my car, and he told me to pop the hood.  He scanned the space, found some sort of container, removed a piece of casing, pulled the part out (it was dripping oil) and put the new filter in its place.  He put the top back on, flipped a lever to secure the casing and said, 'There's your $45.00 labor fee.' I was dumbfounded. I paid for the part, thanked the clerk and drove off.  Once home, I replayed the two events over in my head.  I wondered what else I was being over-charged for and by whom?

     Since that day, I have made it a point to pay attention to who is getting my money and for what.

I have become hyper-vigilant when spending and I make it a point to check receipts, bills, etc. 

My daughter has observed me making phone calls to grocery stores, banks and even my human resource manager about errors that affect my finances. You never know when you might find a price discrepancy at the grocery store, an error in a checking account or a mistake on a payroll check, (like not getting paid for hours worked!).  My child is at the age where she doesn't like to be standing in line with me as I go through the bags and receipt to make sure I have gotten the savings I was supposed to get. However, she is observing good financial management and she understands if I have saved any money I just might use a portion of that to put into our Broadway saving fund.

What can you do to grow your independence?

Scholarship . . . smolership

Hello Swarm Buzz Single Moms

Happy Friday.

I want to share with you something that I learned recently that might help you in the future.  You know how I am always looking to learn and share something about something ?  Well, I find this interesting.

College scholarships!

Have you ever heard the jibberish that children of single moms go to college (or trade schools) for free or close to it???  Let me say to you, this is not true.  There is not one child I know of who has gotten a free education because of his/her parents marital status.  It simply does not happen.  I have been through the big book of scholarships, (in fact two of them) and I haven't yet found scholarships for children who have a single parent.  IF the scholarship focuses on children of single parents, there is a 'disclaimer' which has many other requirements, (Race, Religion, Illness, etc), there is not one that I know of - so if you know different, please share in the comments section as this would be helpful for the rising freshman college students.

Tell your kids if they want to graduate from college without student loan debt, then they must work diligently during high school.  They must choose SOMETHING to excel at then they need create leadership opportunities for themselves.   That is it in a nutshell.  Colleges see good grades all the time.  Your child must stand out and show the admissions folks how special they are and how beneficial the COLLEGE will be to have them.  Parents . . .  get started now and help guide your children to a better life for all!

"You're never fully dressed without a smile"

"You're never fully dressed without a smile" from the Broadway play Annie

Hello Swarm Single Moms

If you are interested in saving money and looking your best, consider having your teeth cleaned.

Brushing and flossing are important steps in dental hygiene, but so too is a visit to your dentist who can help find clues about the health of your mouth and the overall health of your body.

You see, the mouth can reveal indicators about potential problems with your body and a good dentist can often be the gateway to your path for maintaining good health.

During a routine dental visit a good dentist may be able to uncover the following potential problems:

Upper respiratory disorders. 

Viral infections in the lungs of suffers can produce lesions or sores inside their mouths.

    

Acid reflux and Hiatal Hernia. 

Suffers who repeatedly burp bile into their mouths can experience eroded tooth enamel and a bitter taste in their mouths.

Diabetes.             

Clues left in the mouth of diabetics include inflammation, infections, dry mouth, burning tongue, persistent gingivitis and multiple lesions. (Diabetics have special needs because some diabetic medication causes dry mouth and lack of saliva production which is known to cause cavities and gum disease.)

Kidney failure.    

Dentists can also find evidence of kidney failure.  Retarded tooth development in children, dry mouth, odor, metallic taste, ulcers on the tongues and gums in adults may lead the dentist to suggest a visit to a medical doctor to check for properly functioning kidneys.

Anemia. 

Some of the earliest signs of anemia are oral, (including burning, fiery red tongue, inflamed mucous membrane and difficulty swallowing.

Osteoporosis. 

Xrays of the mouth can reveal eroded and thinner jawbones which is a symptom of osteoporosis.

When you are seeking a new dentist, make sure they are members of the ADA (American Dental Association) and that they have experience as well as continued growth and study of new and important discoveries in the field of dentistry.

Do not allow for more than one or two separate x-rays per year.  In fact, you should not need more than one x-ray every two years if your dental health has not been compromised.  Too many x-rays can cause more harm than good! The dental office employees will often encourage more x-rays and tell you they are much safer than in the past.  This is somewhat true, but studies continue to show that x-rays are still intrusive and should be kept to a minimum.

Swarm Single Moms - I am an advocate for helping our children grow into independent adults, but at the same time I do not advocate sending your children to medical/dental appointments alone.  I have many reasons for this including the belief that there are too many scammers in the world who take advantage of the naive and ignorant. This applies to auto mechanics and electricians to doctors and dentists.  When a customer is ignorant (read unknowledgeable) about specific areas that involve outside help to navigate, there is always going to be room for foul play.  Most people are not scammers, however in the world of the single mom where time is money, money is tight and we are being pulled in so many directions, we need reminders that we must be physically and mentally present with regard to our children's health.  If your work schedule makes this difficult to do, then use your vacation days.  (I don't know why the medical profession is so slow to open on Saturdays). Take advantage of the days they are out of school for school holidays, make your appointments, then spend your scheduled time off to hang out with them.  Show them by example the importance of making and keeping their health maintenance a priority!

Swarm Single Moms . . .  our children need us to be their advocates which means sitting in the room with a health care provider to evaluate findings and determine the course of actions to take.

Two things happened in my life that reinforce this belief. 

1) When my child was getting ready for braces, the first orthodontist we saw wanted to pull perfectly good adult teeth.  Doing this would have made the ortho procedure easier for the orthodontist and my child would be without two adult healthy (near the front) teeth.  Her smile would have been off, but her teeth would've been straight.  UGH! Really??? You do not pull adult healthy teeth unnecessarily! EVER!  This was my big clue that this ortho was not for us.  We left and I found an orthodontist who was able to expand her palate and then put the braces on.  Yes, it took about 4 months longer, but she HAS HER HEALTHY ADULT TEETH!!!

Perhaps this ortho wasn't really trying to take the easy way out.  Perhaps they were just ignorant of all the possibilities, but whatever the reason, my gut told me to grab my child and walk out.  

2) The second experience I want to share happened when I was a teen. My mom would come to the appointment with me, but she would sit in the front office and wait.  I was a big chested teen and apparently, one with really bad teeth.  (It seems in retrospect that I was always going to the dentist.)  He was always finding a small cavity or replacing one that already existed.  So much so that I ended up with 4 root canals in my mouth over three years.  I did not eat sweets and because of the connection between pop and acne I did not even drink pop.  Anyway what I am saying at this stage in my life is that all the dental work may have been unnecessary because once I stopped going to him, my dental problems disappeared. But the other story here is why I stopped going to him.

I mentioned that I was large chested and during the last visit instead of using his utensil tray to hold the tools, he used my chest.  When he grabbed for the first tool and ended up touching my breast, my eyes popped and so did the eyes of his assistant.  I made eye contact with her and she with me, both of us looking stunned. I stayed in the seat unsure of how to handle this and looking for some assistance from his assistant.  I saw her look at him and he, Dr. Timothy Foley, ignored her and continued to work in my mouth -  acting as if nothing happened.  I waited and tried to figure out what to do if that should happen again.  And it did.  When he was done and collecting the tools his hands were all over my chest. I sat up letting the tools fall all over the ground and HE WAS AGITATED that I did that.   Long story short.  I never went back. I never told anyone and he may have continued to do this with others.   

It took me years before I went to another dentist and I have since only gone to female dentists. Same for my child.  All of our health care providers are women with the exception on my daughter's orthodontist and her pediatric cardiologist (the best in his field).  It's my thing and I am not saying only choose female dentists.  But this obviously affected me and the choices that I make.  Of course I would like to prevent that from happening to my child and you and your child, too.  Oddly enough, it has only been in the last few years that I remembered why I stopped going to Dr. Foley.  

   

By the way, at least some of the work he did on my mouth may truly have been unnecessary and unfortunately once a tooth has been compromised it only goes downhill from there. That is why taking care of your teeth is so important.  

The truth is . . . it is not about straight teeth.  It is about taking care and having clean and sparkling teeth.  A smile is your best accessory. It releases happy hormones, makes your eyes smile and shows the world that you are approachable.  It may, over the years, increase the lines around your eyes and mouth, but never negatively nor to the degree that constant and continued frowning does.  

Moral of the story.  There are good and bad dentist out there. Find one you are comfortable with and who you think is good and working with your best interest in mind.  Changing dentists, even if you have been going to them for years. . .  is allowed. Do what is best for YOU (and your children)...

A Footnote

Always check your bills.  Don't have your bills sent to the insurance provider without having duplicate bills sent to you.  Ask your insurance provider to work with you to insure that they are being billed for services actually provided.  I was just remembering a dentist we once had who billed us for services, x-rays - that I declined to have.  The dental office did not think that was a big deal and tried to talk me out of having the fee declined because I would be getting the x-rays at some point in the near future anyway.  But, this is a big deal because it is 1) fraud and 2) if you choose not to go back to this dentist your insurance will say that you already had the x-rays and will not pay for the ones you do have.  This billing employee was let go because of this practice.  A good dentist will get rid of bad employees, especially ones who try to cheat the system . . . happy brushing swarm single moms.  :)

Happy Mother's Day!

Hello Swarm Single Moms

Happy Mother's Day!!!

On this day when we celebrate all you do, I want to chat about . . . your health.

Do you schedule regular health examinations for YOU?

If not . . . Why not?

You work hard every day. You go the extra mile every day.  You are super mom and sometimes super dad all wrapped up in one, sometimes overly stressed body.  Stress is bad.  Stress kills.

That is the reason I often provide information on ways to reduce stress.

But do you know what else kills?  Ignorance!!!
(Ignorance is the act of ignoring (wink) that which you can not deal with at this time.)  Do not get into the habit of ignoring your health and/or your health issues.

Here is the reason why I plead with you to not ignore your health.  You will be spending (hopefully) the first 21 years of your child's life trying to ensure that they are taken care of with healthy food, plenty of sleep, clean clothes...you know what you do to help provide your children with the best of what you can do for them.  So consider that you work hard for the first 21 years only to have them reach a stage in their lives where you get to enjoy them as adults and you find yourself sick.  Too sick to spend time with them, to relax and enjoy whom they have become.  Wouldn't it be a pity if you were to discover a preventable illness or disease at the time in your life where you could slow down?

Don't let this happen.  Instead let's make May the month where children celebrate their moms and where mom's celebrate clean bills of health.  Swarm Moms . . . take time this month to schedule your appointments for visits to the doctor.  List your concerns and address them with your health care attendant.  Get your questions, get some answers and get some relief from any worry you may have that might be festering on your back burner.  Take care of yourself and continue to give your children the best of who you are - now and for the future.        

Give your family . . . more . . . Happy . . . Mother's . . Days

pessimist? optimist?

 "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."               Winston Churchill



Hello Swarm Single Moms

Are you an optimist or a pessimist??
How you see yourself and how you see the world, greatly affects your children and their views of the world.

If you spent your pregnancy abstaining from all that may be harmful to your babies, then spent the ensuing years teaching them to wear a safety belt and a bike helmet, you made sure their shots were up to date, then kept them up to date..if you took all sorts of protective measures to ensure they would survive ... can you say that you took equivalent measures to ensure they would survive happily and thrive. You know... you can help to nurture how your kids view the world and whether they see their world as a glass half empty or half full.

Moms!!! Were you aware that you can help greatly improve the quality of your kids lives by teaching them to view the world as a happy and welcoming place.  Did you know that by teaching them how to adapt to change (and to view it as an adventure), how to tackle and solve problems (like they are building puzzles) and how to bounce back from adversity and challenges (i.e. you get knocked down, but you are not out of the game)... that you are increasing their likelihood for happiness.  When you teach them self-reliance and how to solve their problems (yes, including making mistakes) you are helping to create a mindset that helps them view the world as manageable.  

Let's take the time -  as we proceed through this life, to help create the mindset that this life is pretty dang good and that we have the power to make it better.  Let's protect our children's minds and positive personalities by doing all that we can to not create pessimists, nay sayers and all out negative people.  This life is good ... even when we have seemingly insurmountable struggles and challenges!  So let's do what we can to make negative, pessimistic and other nastiness ... disburse and disappear now!!!

Vacation/staycation

Hello Swarm Buzz Moms

We had spring break two weeks ago and instead of leaving on the Friday school let out and returning on Sunday, (the day before we go back to school and work) we came home a few days early and what a great idea that was.  It gave us a restful and relaxing way to prep for the beginning of the last term of the school year.   

I guess you could say we had a vacation, followed by a staycation!

The vacation part was spent out of town, doing touristy things, visiting with relatives, visiting museums, eating out, etc. The staycation was the opposite and it was just as good.  With no plans made I had a sleep-in until 8:30 am, and I still was up and running, having all my chores completed by 10, including my emails checked, kitchen and bathroom floors washed, bills paid and the travel accoutrements put back into storage. 

By 10:10 am,  I was ready to hit some sales. Unfortunately, there were no estate sales the first morning home so I did the next best thing . . . Popping some tags at the Thrift Stores!!!

With mocha lattes in hand, my tag popper partner and I were off.  We began at the thrift stores that were the farthest from our starting point so we could swing around at the end of the day, conveniently close to home, (with all our treasures!)

Store # 1 held many treasures.  My first find was a Vera Bradley handbag for $4.00.  It is a small handbag and I plan to sell it for $25.00.  I was going to sell it for $10.00 but my treasure hunting partner suggested $25.00.  She had gone online to see what the going rate was and some are selling for over $40.00.  Since I plan to sell mine at a school supported yard sale I think $40.00 will be over pricing for the patrons of this particular school.  I hope to make a profit of at least $10.00.

The next treasure was a Justin Beiber tee shirt.  I paid $3.99 for this shirt and it may be a gamble since Justin Beiber is 'so 2012', but I will offer the shirt for $15.00.  I want to make at least $10.00 on this shirt.

Both of these items were at the same store.  I also found a great table for $69.00 which the store manager offered me a deal, but I was not prepared to get a table home (I still have my vacation rental car) so I passed.  I will go back in two weeks and if the table is still there it should be cheaper and I will definitely consider it then.

The second store we went to is where I found my best deal.  I paid $8.99 for a Tadashi (Shoji) long gown.  It is a (steal) deal because my daughter wants it for her prom.  Yeah!!!  We also found an ABS sundress for $3.99 it has never been worn and it was also a (steal) deal.

We will attempt to sell the gown after prom for $75.00.  It may be a stretch, but Imma try!!! The ABS sundress I am sure, my daughter will have, (and wear)  for years to come.

My last week day of vacation, a Friday, was spent at estate sales, (it is what I do to relax).  Every single mom needs to find her way to relax.  It does not have to involve spending a lot of money (unless you have it and want to indulge yourself), but I rather like being thrifty.  It is a skill that I developed while raising my child on my own without the benefit of financial support.  You have to do what you have to do.  I must say, I would never have even considered buying used clothing.  I get furniture all the time and I love the unique finds, but clothing was a different story.  The Tadashi if it was worn at all, was worn one time.  One trip to the cleaners and it is all good! The ABS dress was never worn... It makes a difference to us!

I will let you know in future blog posts whether or not I have made any money on any of our treasures.

Did I tell you that I am saving for a trip to Scandinavia with my daughter.  It is years away, but it is fun making some money to add to our savings.  I recommend you find a fun goal and then plan a way to make that happen.   

Happy Tag Popping Peeps... My Swarm Single Moms!

Holidays on your own

Hello Swarm Single Moms

Today I post this on Easter Sunday.  A holiday. . .  and a holy day for Christians.

How do you spend these days when your children are with your ex and you are on your own.

Do you try to sleep in? Catch up on chores and responsibilities? If you are like some single moms who choose to stay at home and spend the time on your own, make sure you incorporate something that you enjoy doing into your day.  It can be lonely spending a holiday on your own.  But...it doesn't need to be.

Today take some time and give thanks for all your blessings and catch up on the things you really NEED to and then take some time out to spend on you. Call someone you know who is on their own or if you gave a 'maybe' to any invitation...Get dressed and GO!

Life is short. Don't spend it in too much self indulgence.  Get out there and live!

Talking to your kids about post high school

Hello Swarm Single Moms

This is a short blog post just to give you some information that you may want to think about over the weekend.

How far away are your children from graduating from high school? If they are freshmen in high school I encourage you to start speaking with them now about their dreams and goals for post high school.

I know that college is not for everyone, but continuing to learn should always be one of life's goals.  For the most part, the following statement is true: the higher your education, the more money you make.

This is true in most cases, but like everything else in life, there are outliers.  Plumbers, electricians, auto mechanics are a few jobs where you can make alot of money without a college degree.  Even elevator and escalator maintenance workers make over $50,000 a year.  My brother-in-law is a doctor and he said that these positions are actually better careers because there is no medical mal-practice and the hours are better.

So when you are speaking with your children, both the boys and girls, encourage them to follow their interests, but to be realistic about career choices.  You can have a job where you make enough money to have a good living AND one where you have time to devote to your other interests.  I know the mantra is to follow your dreams and the money will come, but the reality is that there are many college degrees that will not get you a good paying job.  There is nothing wrong with getting a job that pays well and where, if you keep in mind that it is only a job, you can still have your passions fed through activities outside of your job.

What will you do when your children have grown up

Hello Swarm Single Moms

It's Sunday. For some, today is a day of rest, a day spent with family and getting prepped for the week ahead.

Recently, I was thinking about my daughter and how her leaving for college will direct my feet onto a new path.  It has only been in the last few years that I have even thought about my life when she moves into her next phase of life.  I have friends with children just starting kindergarten in the fall and others who have just had their first grandchild.  I am at the somewhere in-between stage and as I move through this life I have a feeling this will be my hardest transition.  For eighteen years it has just been her and I.  I have made 99 percent of my decisions based on her and helping her grow up and get to this place where she is confident in her decision making and apprehensive, but excited about her future.

Until the day a couple of years ago, when she asked me what I will do when she leaves, I had never, ever thought about it.  I remember looking at her (maybe stunned) and answering that I will just keep doing what I do.  I work, I clean, I organize, I run this small grassroots organization...In other words I live a life.

But as the days and months and years have passed I have kept her question close to the surface of my consciousness.  What will I do when the most important person in my life moves on in her life? The person who most transformed who I have become and truly made me a better person than I ever would have cared to be.  So this morning, as I run my future through my head again I want to share with you the thought that we do need to think about the things in life that are painful and scary.  We need to make plans for our future.  Not just our financial future, but the future that will hold our happinesses and our dreams.  The time to plan is now, not when our children have already grown up, but while they are growing.  Where do you see YOU when your children go off to college?

What special treat can you plan for yourself while planning for your future.

Cheap food/Junk food

Hello Swarm  Single Moms

Happy Friday.  Tonight I shall send out a message on the importance of good, healthy eating while answering why junk food is so cheap.

First
Why is junk food so cheap?? It is cheap so you will buy it.  It is not supposed to be your meal, but in small amounts - a snack.  The problem here is that people eat the junk and then are too full to eat the healthy food.

Second
Think about this...how much food do you throw out???  and ... is it ever the junk food?  Or is it the healthier foods like veggies and fruits?  If it happens to be the healthy foods I would surmise that you are buying too much junk food which means that most likely you and your kids are eating too much junk.

This is bad because junk food has very little nutritional value and as a result, your body is not getting what it needs, in fact all you are getting is instant gratification.  Learn (and teach) that it is better to prepare a good, healthy meal than to down a bag of chips.  It is better to feed your body foods that it can use, than to stuff it full of harmful chemicals and preservatives that will result in:
1) aging faster than you will want.
2) breaking down lean muscles
3) internal organs
4) destroying your immune system

Instead of buying junk food, try an experiment with your shopping. (you know how I love a good life experiment ...) only buy healthy foods.  Splurge on foods like in season fruits and vegetables and read recipe books and articles on how to prepare foods using fresh ingredients.  You may be happily suprised how much better you will feel and how little food you throw out, which means you will ultimately be saving money.

STEM Education

Hello Swarm Single Moms

Today the topic is education.

I'd like to take you down a road that leads to a better quality of life for your daughter, or perhaps...you!

The magic word is STEM. STEM an acronym for Science, Technology, Engineering and Math. What does this mean to you and how can it possibly be related to a better quality of life?

I have a child who is enrolled in a high school International Baccalaureate program (IB).  The IB program is an intense, four year program that challenges the kids who want to learn, and provides a high school degree that goes above the general high school diploma and the college prep and even the advanced/honors diploma.   In essence, it has more pizazz than just a high school diploma.  In order to get into the program you must apply during eighth grade after having taken and earned high marks in advanced Math, History, English classes.

One of the benefits of this type of program is that where ever you go in the world, the children are learning the same thing at the same time.  This program works well for executives that may be transferred out of the country for a year or two and their children can maintain a good balance in their education, hardly skipping a beat, in the transfer.  But that is only one of the benefits.  The other benefit is that both boys and girls are encouraged to succeed in STEM classes.  No gender bias!  At least that is the hope. This really has more to do with the teachers teaching and their own personal biases than the program, but because there are so many foreign children in the program who have parents that believe in an equal education, it naturally follows that gender bias is not tolerated.

So what I want to share with you is my belief that STEM classes will provide a great foundation for all children, but more so for girls.  When girls are successful in STEM classes, they are able to rise above the cliche careers that pay minimally because they are traditionally female careers, like teaching, nursing, Administrative Assistants, etc.  Please do not be offended if you are a nurse, teacher or secretary, all I am saying is that if you can do more, be more, or if you want more, then you deserve to have the opportunity.  Plus, girls who are successful in STEM classes have more opportunities and it is these opportunities that will provide a more secure future for them and their families and who doesn't want your daughter to have many, many opportunities?

Girls with STEM successes enter into fields such as medicine, engineering, and computer science.  These are money making careers, but they are also careers that provide much satisfaction.

STEM is not for everyone.  Some children won't want to pursue these types of careers, but for the ones who do, offering this type of program will be helpful.

I would also like to mention that how certain information is presented can sometimes make a difference in a child's education.  For instance,  I remember when my child was young and asking an adult a question about math, the adult told her that she hated math and always thought it was so hard.  My daughter, who looked up to the adult, took these words to heart and it took a while to get her to understand that even though some people have trouble with math, the majority of people who try to learn math do exceptionally well.  I also tried to get her to understand that sometimes people give up too soon when challenged with new and sometimes hard work.  But that can be a plus, because if people give up when they are challenged then that leaves all the really good stuff to the people who stick it out and stick with it.  

So Moms, when I say girls benefit from STEM I really mean females.  So I want to encourage you, as well, to consider going to school to get degrees in the STEM fields.  It is not too late!!! In fact, if you consider the fact that you will live many years beyond the retirement age of 65 you should take this information as a heads up to begin now to figure out what you can do to ensure that you have a financial future that will allow YOU to live a better life as your children grow up and grow out of your home.

Also, as an aside, please note:  There are so many scholarships available for girls and women who wish to pursue STEM related careers...and even more so if your child is a minority.  Get cracking the code to a better future for your girls and for yourself.  It will be worth it.

Sunday prep and peace

Hello Single Moms

I am writing this post on a Sunday.  It is the start of the week and often the day that sets the tone for the upcoming week.  I have found that if I play this day correctly, I will have a smooth(er) week and it can be a more enjoyable week.  It is all in the prepping; what you need to do to prep and what you actually  do to prep, it will make a difference for you.

For me and my family I know that my shopping must be done.  My meal planning must be done. and my laundry must be done.  I need to know the kid's schedules and any deviations from our normal routine.  My own schedule will often need to change when the kid's schedule is different ... so the more time I have to plan ahead, the better for me to adjust to the changes.

I like to start Sundays with a shower and later in the morning, attend a religious service.  I was raised a Roman Catholic, but I can be flexible.  In fact, last week I attended a Methodist ceremony and I have watched a Televangelist on a cold icy and snowy Sunday morning.  God is important and helpful to me.  I ask for guidance, I ask for help and sometimes I just ask for an ear to hear me.  

When you are a single mom the world throws all sorts of challenges your way.   It is to your advantage to include God in your life and it will help your children as well.  I may sound like I am preaching, but I have turned my back when times were so overwhelming tough and I have turned to God when I felt so beaten down and low.  It is easier to believe that someone or something has got your back.  

Two weeks ago the sermon was about spending time talking to God, but not asking for anything.  It was about spending time talking about your life, your concerns, your fears, etc.  Then you spend about the same amount of time listening.  Open up your heart and listen.  I have been doing this for a while and will admit that sometimes the listening only serves to quiet my fears.  I don't hear answers, but I might just feel a bit of peace.  Peace is good.  It is energizing and it helps when dealing with life's unpleasant moments.  So readers, after you have read this blog and are looking for a good way to start your week, get organized, complete your chores and find a comfortable space in your home and share with God what is going on in your life ... and ... listen for the peace.

Sheryl Says

This just in...

If you paid women the same wages that you pay a man...

you would cut the rate of children living in poverty...

IN HALF

Sheryl Sandberg

Push forward. Move ahead.

Don't let your current situation define who you become.

I just watched 'The Pursuit of Happyness' last night.

It reminded me of the intense financial struggle I had during the early years of my child's life.

A single mom.  I lost my job during the latter part of my pregnancy when I ended up on bed rest for a month. I gave up smoking and drinking which, looking back, would have been my 'go to's' for stress relief.  I had to retrain my brain to de-stress in healthy ways.  It was hard. I learned to maintain a daily hourly date with my exercise bike on rainy days and walked for an hour on the other days.  Although I had always ridden my exercise bike with some dedication, the walking was new and not so easy.

 It was a very rough time for me and unfortunately, just the beginning of daily struggles and multiple failures.  But I was blessed.  I had a healthy child and a lot of chutzpah. If you learn anything about me it should be that I do not give up.  I don't forget either, but that is for another time and another place.

So readers of mine, I am trying to relate to you the fact that sometimes life is hard.  Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes you can see that others are moving ahead and becoming successful and life seems to be passing you by.  I have seen through my own eyes that life may not become what you dreamt it would be.  Things happen.  People happen...even unGodly people can find their way into your life.

But...you must be strong.  You must persevere and develop tunnel vision for your future.  You must create the life you want and you must ignore whatever you come to learn about others that could send you into the abyss.  Follow the path and use the talents that God has given you, because the gifts that you have been given, will get you to where you will want to be.

Keep the negative about your ex away from your kids

Hello Single Mom Readers

Today I want to share a story that took place over the past week.  I was having lunch at work with many co-workers.  Two of them are new to the single mom situation.  Both are going through divorces and are experiencing the tug and pull of anger that can accompany this life change.

Both were commiserating about their exes and happily enjoying sharing their feelings with one who can appreciate what they are going through without judging the words and feelings they were sharing.

This is what recently separating or divorced really need.  An ear without judgement.   I was thinking how awesome it was for these ladies to be able to share their angst and even some laughter over their current situation.  I was so happy that they were able to do so where their kids would not hear anything being said or shared.

Their conversations reminded me of something I had read so long ago about this sort of transition.

Never Ever Ever disrespect your ex in front of your children.  They do not need to hear or experience your anger in a negative and hateful way.  They are experiencing their own conflicted feelings and they really need you to be the example,  One of the benefits of behaving in an adult and mature fashion is that eventually they will emulate how you handle disappointments and loss.  If you can show them that you don't have to lose it in order to feel the loss this will help them learn how to manage and handle their own disappointments.

When my daughter was young I remember an acquaintance telling me to make sure that I never tell my child that her father doesn't love her.  I remember feeling incredulous that she would even think that I would 'go' there.  And although I was quite taken by surprise by her comment I could only reply back that I don't need to make any offering of his feelings for her.  His absence speaks volumes.

And so I speak the truth to you single moms.  You do not need to speak for anyone but yourself.  People reveal themselves and kids are not dumb.  They do not miss anything.  Parents who loved their kids before a breakup will love their kids after a breakup.  Behavior is what children know to be love.  Action.  Being present.  Your kids will see who loves them.  You will take the actions necessary to show your kids your love.  Your mouth will back up your actions so you can develop trust.  So only focus on you and your actions.  If you ex has integrity and character he will step up and never allow your kids to question his intentions.

On the other hand, absence is a word that underlines the feelings. If you ex fades out of the picture he never wanted to be there in the first place.

 Your kids only need you to be there for them and to love and guide them.  Your underlying feelings will also be revealed.

Swarm moms want to help

Do you have a single mom in your life that is financially independent??? until something happens and she gets set back because of it?

There are many single moms who are traveling happily through life and then something happens.

Maybe they get a flat tire.

Maybe the temperatures dip so low for too long and the budget they set up for the winter has been depleted before the winter has come to an end.

Maybe they are renting a home and it is not properly sealed for the cold winter (or hot summer) temperatures.  Maybe they did not budget for insulation nor did they count on a landlord who really doesn't care.

Maybe their house has mold issues.  Maybe their car needs major repairs.

Maybe they are troubled by a caregiver in their home and having a camera to film the action in her absence would give her peace of mind.

There are so many ways a single mom may need to spend money that she did not count on or was able to prepare for.  This happens to everyone, but the the single mom is who SWARM focuses on and that is who we want to help.

If you know of a single mom who can use some help, please contact this blog.  We are here to help and this happens to be the time of year when help wanes even though it is most needed!!!

Consider SWARM when you want to help as well.  We want all single moms, their children and those who love them to join up and help out.

Prep for Tax season

Hello Swarm Single Moms

Today much of the country is either in a snow hostage situation or in a frozen state.  What does this mean for your day?  It is a good day to get busy and prepare for the upcoming tax season.

In order to expedite your tax refund (if you are getting a return), you might want to consider having your w-2 emailed to you.  Some companies are offering this alternate way to receive your w-2 although some employees are hesitant to sign up for it.  It is truly a personal choice and I would not offer any advice on choosing this option over the U.S. mail.  From what I understand from my employers the difference in receipt is only a matter of a couple of days.  You decide what is right for you.

No matter what way you choose to receive your tax prep paper work, it is a good idea to make sure your have the information at hand when the time comes for you to 'do your taxes'.  For instance, do you have all the information that you will need to complete your federal, state and local taxes?

If your kids attend day care (even after school care) you will need the tax identification number as well as the address for the site your children attend.
If you have religious contributions you will need their i.d. number and address as well. Plus you will also need the amount you have spent at daycare and the amount you have contributed to your religious organization so you can make your claim.
If you contribute to any non-profits you will need their i.d. number, address and amount of contribution (in the way of receipts) in order to make your claim.

Now is the time to collect this information so you can prep and send your tax papers out.

The only time I do not suggest being in a rush to send out your taxes is when you owe money.  Preparing early is recommended so you can get your payment ready (although you do not have to mail this out until April 15!).  This date rarely changes but it can so watch for any notices that will alert you in order to prevent penalties.  Nobody wants to pay a penalty.

As always...use your down time for good.  Even if that means making some hot cocoa for your kids while they play in the snow.

Money Challenge

Hello Swarm Single Moms

The chart below has been posted on facebook and I saw it today and immediately thought that this needs to be shared.  I love the simplistic representation of growing money.  Although I promote the Christmas or Holiday Savings plan ($10.00 week x 52 weeks = $520.00) - this is some good holiday money, but the chart below will grow the $520.00 + $858.00.  Consider doing this!!! EXCLAMATION POINT.  Start now!

Hi Swarm Moms
Update for you. I have begun this challenge.  Today is week two.  I have $3.00 in my special savings account.  Yeah, for me!!!

The New Year

Happy New Year Swarm Single Moms!!!

I was just on face-book and noticed many postings of a picture of a book with the caption, "Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 day book.  Write a good one."  This posting was in reference to today being the first of the year and all  how a new year can equal a new beginning.  Although I am intrigued with the concept of new beginnings and creating the life you want, I have a hard time putting new plans into action on January 1st.   My successful resolutions have always been initiated on any day, except January One!

Perhaps I have a mental block with this date, but I have always found it easier to have the idea of what I want to begin (or end) and then just do it.  I consider life to be an experiment and am willing to try new things just to mix it up a bit.  I try to implement new life strategies after some introspection about what specifically is not working in my life.

For instance, I have had some stressful years and because I have a child to raise I have had to learn other means of dealing with stress other than what I was used to doing. (Read: party my troubles away).  When you have a child you want them to be better than you are. You want to teach them healthy ways to deal with life issues and drinking away my troubles and anxieties, just did not match my belief systems.

Now this post is not a post about abstaining from social drinking, nor is it a testimonial about how my life has improved since I have learned other means to relieve stress and anxiety.  Instead, I am just hoping this post will inspire you Single Moms to seek healthy ways to improve your life and find new ways to deal with the stressed out life of a single mom.

I have experimented with year long strategies, (resolutions, experiments, etc)  to help myself develop some healthy ways to deal with stress and the following experiments have proven to be successful for me.
A couple of years ago I spent a year praying the rosary every day.  This was a very challenging resolution to maintain.  The reason it was hard is because the best time I could find for myself was at bed time.  Unfortunately, I would fall asleep while reciting the prayers and ended up waking and sleeping my way through it.  I did not feel I was getting the full benefit of this meditative act and resolved to take my lunch hour and go sit in my car and de-stress with the rosary. This proved to be the most effective and beneficial way for me to keep this resolution.  Not only did I get out of my work environment, but I was able to have quiet time as I meditated on my life problems and solutions.  After the year was up, I continued this prayer practice, often rotating between the rosary and daily prayer as I drove to work.

Sometimes I began the rosary while driving but I would loose my place as I entered work and then I would become engaged in other issues...  I know there are some who pray the rosary throughout the day doing one decade at a time, but that did not work for me.  Apparently, as in much of my life, I am an 'all or nothing' kind of person.  If I can not complete my prayers in one setting, I have to start over later.  It is unproductive for me, or anyone, who believes in prayer, WITH ACTION!!!

Another year, I abstained from alcohol.  This might seem very challenging for some to complete, but the year I gave up Pepsi, was the real challenge.  You see, I have never been a coffee drinker and, with the exception of the time I spent in school in England, where I drank tea (double banged tea sometimes!!!) my only source of caffeine came from pepsi.  I  learned this habit when I lived in Florida shortly after I graduated from high school. I was part of a group that shared a house in West Palm Beach and one of the guys that lived there kept a boat load of pepsi chilling in the the fridge.  One morning as I was preparing to leave for work, after an evening of staying out too late, this guy offered me one of his pepsis.  I had never been a big pop drinker as I grew up in the generation that was taught that pop caused acne.  I had acne and wanted to not have acne so not drinking pop was a no-brainer.  However, the pop-acne relationship was disproved and the pepsi tasted divine to me.  The buzzy, prickly descent into my esophagus was quite invigorating and soon, I was hooked.  Drinking pepsi in the morning was a habit I continued into my thirties and it was only after I had my child that I gave up the morning habit, replacing it with a healthy cereal or some other traditional breakfast.

Another year I wanted to get into better shape.  I believed my life was too busy to go to a gym, but I joined one anyway and I fell in love with swimming.  I should say I fell back in love with swimming.  I have always loved the water.  I just had grown away from  this activity.  Getting back into swimming helped me de-stress (yeah) but I got back into the groove of swimming to where I began to re-experience a swimmer's euphoria.  That was a big, big, bonus.  For those of you who do not swim, there is a feeling that you can reach while doing laps that I would explain as being much like flying. (I have flown often in my dreams so I know what I am talking about (wink!!)).

The year before swimming, I took to using the stairs, parking far away from the door, etc to get in shape.  You know, putting into practice what the paid trainers will tell you to do to help keep you in shape. Take advantage of the time you have, to get some walking in, some sit-ups, etc.  But, I took this a step further when I noticed one day that I was beginning to not recognize my rear end anymore.  So I began to do leg lifts and squats at every chance.  If I was on the elevator alone I would do squats, if I was going up the stairs, I would squeeze my butte cheeks.  I took advantage of all the little patches of time that I was given to help keep my muscles moving.  It worked.  It took a while and I am still practicing these habits, cuz I like going to bed at night, knowing I am trying to keep it together.

So even though today is the first of January, the beginning of a new year, in all actuality everyday is a new beginning.  You have the chance to improve your live every single day!!!  It does not have to start today, but I do want you to begin to evaluate your life and where you are going.  Think about where you want to be this time next year.  Think about weeding out the bad or unproductive habits you have.

Keep in mind a few discoveries I have learned along the way.
1) If you screw up - start over.  Do not stress, just begin again.
2) If you need to start small, then do so.  I once began a new life journey that was initiated with the habit of shining my shoes every Monday.  Good habits seem to grow out of other good habits.  It is inspiring and motivating.
3) Keep your kids in mind.  Remember, you are the role model for much of their future behaviour.  Be a good and healthy role model.  You all will benefit!!!

Happy New Years Swarm Single Moms.  May the Joy of the Season bring you insight and motivation!